sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
