It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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