I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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