Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
