he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I came so hard my ears popped.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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