I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
i think i just lost a toe
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
How naked do you want me to be?
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