People in love make me want to vomit
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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