Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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