I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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