My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
dude i'm inner monologue high
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
