Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
