she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
