I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
