How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
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