The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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