My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
