I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
