She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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