I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
