You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
