If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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