Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize