I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
