I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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