The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
