i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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