Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
