Who did Billy Mays play for?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
