you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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