Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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