I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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