Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Princesses don't give blow jobs
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
