he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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