the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
