just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
