we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Randomize
