This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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