i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
