I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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