I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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