She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
