I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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