I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm bleeding and have questions
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