the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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