Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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