I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize