He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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