i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
