I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize