I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
