i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
