my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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