awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
where does the pee come out of this thing
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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