you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
