I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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