No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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