so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
