I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
