Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I have post one night stand depression
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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