He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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