i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
