She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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