you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
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