No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My cat gives me a boner
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
