you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
