You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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