where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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