better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
