nut hugger
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
