...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
