this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize