I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
