You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
