If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
