I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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