I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize