I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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